Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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