I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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