He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your penis caused this!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
