I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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