she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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