found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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