He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You can't special order awesome
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
