I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
