I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
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we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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