If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Everclear isn't food dammit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
