just come out here and I will go home with you...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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