plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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