i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
