I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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