Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is