I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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