its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
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you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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