Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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