it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
