My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
