WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
