and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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