so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What a dumb baby whore.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
