Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
two words...techno handjob
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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