those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
