U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Every concussion has its silver lining
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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