if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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