We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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