You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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