she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
