Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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