i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
