She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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