I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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