We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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