his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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