the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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