Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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