dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
