she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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