The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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