about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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