eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
