So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
