Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
