I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
