what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
