I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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