If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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