We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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