i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
