I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
