i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
