i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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