found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
